Rocky Road

A story of a rocky road through life including marriage and trying to have a baby we so desperately want.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Too much loss

It seems a little strange to me to find myself here. But I've kept journals off and on throughout the years and I thought this may be a way to get back to keeping one and keep my feelings in check. Many things I can discuss with my Kev (my dear husband), but who does one talk to when they want to talk about the irritating qualities of said dh? Even moreso, is not wanting to talk to anyone about dh because the problems tend to be ones that you don't want share for fear of what they will think of dh or me or because my dearest friend has the same problem as dh so she can't possibly support me. I think sometimes she is worse than dh with her problem.
A little history here. I guess I come from a fairly normal American family, my father left my mother, my sister and I when I was 3yo and my sister and 1-1/2yo. Mom remarried when I was 5 and this man was my daddy, I loved him then and I love him even more now. I knew my father, but he was never really "daddy." One of my favorite sayings is "Any man can be a father, it takes a special man to be a dad." That saying has come to mean more to me again recently as Kev and I are going through our recent struggles. Unfortunately my father died of lung cancer in 2000 when I was 20, possibly Mesothelioma, but we don't know and never will know since he was cremated. In 2001, just before my 22nd birthday the man I loved assisted in Red Cross operations in NYC after those horrible events and then went back to work as a travelling phlebotomist doing on site drug testing for OSHA. He was scheduled to come back from Washington state and the company offered to fly him home to me and he insisted on driving due to a fear of flying exemplified by the events of 9/11. He never made it home, he fell asleep driving and his truck hit head on with a tractor trailer, killing him instantly. His sister communicated to me that she found a receipt for an engagement ring along with ski trip reservations for the following month. At the age of 21 I lost my fiance-to-be and my grandmother died within days. Too much loss.


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