Rocky Road

A story of a rocky road through life including marriage and trying to have a baby we so desperately want.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Ovulation & Understanding

I got through work today. I had a strange pain in my side last night and knew I was close to ovulating so I did an OPK last evening and low and behold it was positive, so I was thinking the pain was the onset of ovulation. I was okay all day, but having these twinges in my side and by 4pm I was having some serious pain in my side. I got home and explained to Kev that I think I am ovulating and I don't normally feel it, I normally have to rely on other signs. I took an OPK this evening and the line is light, so I'm sure that is what the pain was. Not that I like the pain, but I think it would be nice to have the same signs 2 months from now when we do our first insem. Had we been doing an insem this month I would have done it last night and felt great about the timing with the events of today.
Anyway, as for Kev, I got home from work and we actually sat here and talked and he was smiling. I asked him if he had any idea what he wanted me to make for dinner and he said he would rather someone else cook for us tonight, so we went out. It was only to Hoss's, but it was a good dinner. I love their salad bar. Kev cheated having one cigarette today as well. He said right after we were done with dinner he had the urge to have another one, but he doesn't want to buy a pack because he knows he will start right back up again. He explained to me how it feels like he really has an angel on one shoulder and the devil sitting on his other shoulder and all they do is fight for his attention all day, but when he's sleeping he can't hear them. Thus why he didn't want to get out of bed this morning and just wanted to go to bed when we got back from dinner. It doesn't help that he isn't busy at work either. There is one guy at work he doesn't get along with and he had to work with him today and he thinks if that guy wouldn't have been stupid and asked something about our family Kev wouldn't have smoked a cigarette today. I also explained to Kev that I am trying to be supportive, it's just very hard for me because I've not been addicted and therefore never had to go through withdrawing from an addiction. And he realized there was no real way to explain it to me so I would be able to understand what he is going through. Although he was able to liken it to me having that bag of candy on my desk and if it's on my desk I will eat it, but if I put it in my desk drawer I won't eat as much, but I know it's there and I really want it and eventually will open the drawer and take them out and eat them. He feels like him not having a cigarette is like that feeling I have just before I open the drawer and take those candies out, except he doesn't have cigarettes in reach so he just keeps having that feeling of wanting them. We also discussed him drinking more beer is not the answer to not smoking. I point blank said to him, my father was an alcoholic, Kev's father was an alcoholic. I asked him if he liked his father when he was an alcoholic and he said "NO, Not at all." Well I didn't like my father when he was an alcoholic either and I don't want our children to have to view their father the way I or Kev have viewed our own father's. Unfortunately I never knew my father when he wasn't an alcoholic. He was one until he was on his death bed and he only lived 4-1/2 months after diagnosis. Not long enough to recover 20 years of a broken relationship. Fortunately Kev's father has managed to stay away from the alcohol. To a certain degree I believe that alcoholism is possibly partially genetic in which case Kev could really easily get in to trouble drinking the way he is now and he doesn't say that he disagrees with my thinking that way. I did tell him I am very proud with the progress he has made and I really think he can make it if he just stays away from the cigs a little longer. Today he is better than he was yesterday and yesterday he was better than any day from Saturday to Monday.
He went up to bed and I went up and we talked, reminiscing about old times, when we met and started dating. It was great. He was drifting off to sleep at the sound of my voice and I wasn't ready to go to bed yet, so I hugged him and kissed him and told him I love him very much. I really do. We have been through so much lately and I have always tried to put myself in the other person's shoes instead of judging them and lately it just seems like there are things happening to him that I can't put myself in his shoes. It just seems so impossible to know how he is feeling and therefore makes it hard for me to know how to support him. It makes me feel powerless when I am such a caring person and I am best at nurturing. It's heartbreaking to watch the love of my life go through all this and not know how to really help him.


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