Rocky Road

A story of a rocky road through life including marriage and trying to have a baby we so desperately want.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006


The profiles came from the sperm bank yesterday. Kev and I looked over them. It just confirmed that the donor we liked is the one that we want to use to have our miracle baby. As we get closer I'm still concerned about Kev's behavior and lifestyle habits. We are 2 months from when we decided to start insems and I have an uneasy feeling. I was hoping by starting this blog I may feel better about it since I am writing my concerns down. I think I will wait it out through this weekend and see how things go at mom and dad's house. I may decide when I'm up there to talk to dad. Dad and I have this connection, he can see when things are bothering me and if I'm still feeling this way he will almost surely be able to tell that something is not right with me and then I will have to be honest with dad. I just hope Kev will return to normal soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. The only good thing about all this is that I have learned when I'm stressed to go exercise, and I have been exercising a lot and hard too. If I keep going like this my abs will be flat in no time.

Should I see a Counselor?

My last post updated to Feb 19th. Kev and I had seen a advertisement for a company that would help you quit smoking via Hypnosis. We know someone at work that it worked for, so Kev decided he would try it. Saturday was the day, we got up and went. My friend K was going to go to lose weight, well she chickened out before she got there. Which didn't matter because she was late and they probably wouldn't have let her in anyway. Kev threw away his cigarettes while there and then we went to lunch. I was so proud of Kev for having quit smoking. Unfortunately he has been drinking more beer since he quit smoking and he has not been nice to me. This is three days and he hides on the computer playing games ignoring me, drinking his beer, other than work only comes out of there to get another beer. I ask him a question and he gives me a snide answer or tries to make an ass out of me for even asking the question. I asked him last evening if he can at least try to be nice to me and he says "what do you expect when you change everything about the man you love?" That was like a dagger through my heart. I left the room feeling like I was going to cry. I went and made dinner. I went back in to him and explained that I only ever asked him to change one thing and that was to quit the one particular substance, not the drinking and not the smoking cigs. I would like for him to quit it all, but told him last week before he quit smoking that if I had to live with anything he could quit that substance and keep smoking and drinking beer in moderation. Instead he quit smoking, claims he quit the substance and is drinking a lot more than I would like and is nasty to me. My father was an alcholic till he was on his death bed, Kev's father was an alcoholic and thankfully stopped, I don't want to have another alcoholic in my life. I'm scared that he will never change from what he is now. And I'm not sure I believe that he has quit the substance. He makes some cash withdrawals from his bank account and I never ask what they are for, but I'm suspicious. Although if he is using it he isn't doing it when I could easily catch him. I can't seem to make him understand that I want children so badly, but I don't want to bring children into our lives when he is acting like this. We are planning for insems in May and I feel like telling him I won't do them until he starts treating me nicer and I'm sure that he is not using that substance anymore. We are going to see my parent's this weekend and celebrate my sister T's birthday. My dad used to use the same substance as Kev and stopped because my mom made him realize he had a family to care for and he wasn't really capable of doing it properly while using the substance. I feel like telling my dad what Kev is doing and ask him to talk to him. I'm just afraid Kev will get mad at me instead of hearing what dad has to say. I haven't talked to my doctor about any of this, but she mentioned when I went in to talk to her about the donor that she thought it would be a good idea for us to see a counselor before we go ahead with insems. Kev says he won't, but I'm thinking I may go to talk about this substance issue. Maybe I will get some idea of how to talk to Kev at least.

Kev's problem

When we first started exploring possibly reasons for not getting pregnant within a little more than a year we both started changing our lifestyle to be more healthy, trying to eliminate bad habits. I started exercising every day and eating healthier. Kev cut back on drinking and smoking and completely stopped using his other substance. I was so happy, we were on the road to more healthy family life, even if we still didn't know why we didn't have a baby yet. Then the test results came and we really needed each other and were there for each other. I thought we were both handling things so well. Then I came to find out he had started his substance abuse again. I was so infuriated, but he promised me it wasn't much and he didn't have any at home, it was only a little bit after work. Then just this past weekend we were going to go out for dinner. We would have liked to go to Lanc but that was further than either one of us wanted to go for dinner, so we were going to Etown instead. Kev called to invite my good friend K and her husband A to go to dinner with us. They couldn't go to dinner with us, but Kev says we are going to their house when we go to dinner. They live in Mville which is close to Lanc which was too far to drive for dinner and K & A use the same substance Kev does, so I come to the conclusion that Kev wants to go to K & A's house to get some stuff. I flipped out, I was so mad. Kev admitted that is what he was doing. I tried to talk to him about it, explaining that I thought he had stopped and wasn't going to do that anymore and he wanted to have children so bad. He had told me months before that he wanted kids so badly that he was willing to quit, but now here he is doing it again. All he can manage to say to me while he is playing on the computer ignoring me is that I knew from the start that he did this and he doesn't intend to do this when we have kids. He ends up calling A and telling him we are not going to their house, we then talk more and I cry because I am so upset. He then says, lets go to dinner and we do and have a nice evening.

The start of our baby journey/Kev's Diagnosis

Kev and I married in Aug 2005. I had stopped birth control pills July 2004 because I was suffering biweekly migraines due to the hormones. Kev decided if we were meant to have a baby then we would, so no bcps was okay. Although he used condoms for a little while after I stopped taking the bcps. We started really trying to have a baby when we got married and in October Kev went for his first physical in years and I was amazed, he came home with an order for a Semen Analysis. He went about 3 weeks later and finally had the test done and he got the call the day before Thanksgiving, there were no sperm. We had a rough Thanksgiving day with my parents there. Kev decided it was okay for me to share the results with Mom. Mom eventually told Dad and that was okay. We went for first Urologist appt December 19th and they ordered a 2nd semen analysis, 2 ultrasounds, a hormone panel and chromosomal analysis. We had our 2nd appt with the Urologist Jan 16th to go over test results. The 2nd SA showed no sperm, the ultrasounds were both okay, Testosterone level was low and FSH was too high showing the testes are not working. The Chromsome test wasn't back, it came back later that week and showed dh has Klinefelter's Syndrome, his Chromosomes are XXY instead of XY. Dr. T offers to set-up to do a biopsy, but Kev declines the offer. We discuss it, our only option for bio children is to do the biopsy and IVF with ICSI, Kev says he doesn't want to do that and I know we can't afford it. He is so protective of me, he doesn't want me to go through all the drugs and necessary testing for that as well as him not wanting to be cut open. So he mentions donor sperm as I had only mentioned it in passing before. We decide that is the route we will take and I start comparison shopping for sperm banks. After many suggestions from my friends on fertilityfriend where I went to find some caring souls to talk to and start charting, we decide on Midwest. So I headed to my family doctor to discuss all this and get the paperwork signed, everything goes well, I send the paperwork in and we start looking at possible donors, we decide on a few we like and I send a note asking for some profiles on the ones we like.

Meeting Mr. Right

Since all that loss I had a failed marriage due to abuse, which was actually my 3rd go round with abuse. I sure know how to pick them. Raped at 18 by an acquaintance. Abused by a boyfriend at 19 and then abused by my husband at 23. Finally in November 2003 I meet the man of my dreams. I was working 3 jobs to keep my time occupied so as to not have any time to think about my troubled life and loneliness. One of my jobs was being a cashier at a grocery in the evening and this man was a nighttime stockboy. He would come in to work shortly before I would finish my shift and would always flash a smile my way. Then he started coming through my line when buying his snacks and cigarettes. One night he asked me about my current relationship and I fell off the sidewalk making a complete fool of myself. After that he asked me out several times and I rejected the poor guy every time, except the last time of course. It was my birthday and it was supposed to be my last night working at the store. My little sister T who worked there too noticed he was interested and mentioned to him that it was my last night at the store. My co-workers had cake to celebrate my birthday and invited the stockboys to have cake too. He came over to me and wished me a happy birthday and asked to take me out for a drink because the boss was letting him out of work early that night. I finally said yes and we really enjoyed ourselves. From that point on we were inseparable. We married last August, just short of 2 years being together. We are so in love with each other and the only thing that ever affects our closeness are his bad habits. When I met Kev I knew he smoked and he took me out to a bar for our first date so I knew that he at least drank occasionally, but neither of those things bothered me terribly. People quit smoking all the time and as long as the drinking wasn't excessive it would be fine. Then he confided in me that he had another substance abuse problem. I was a little put off by that, but he was such a great guy that I thought we could work through it and honestly thought he would eventually realize there was no need for that and would stop.

Too much loss

It seems a little strange to me to find myself here. But I've kept journals off and on throughout the years and I thought this may be a way to get back to keeping one and keep my feelings in check. Many things I can discuss with my Kev (my dear husband), but who does one talk to when they want to talk about the irritating qualities of said dh? Even moreso, is not wanting to talk to anyone about dh because the problems tend to be ones that you don't want share for fear of what they will think of dh or me or because my dearest friend has the same problem as dh so she can't possibly support me. I think sometimes she is worse than dh with her problem.
A little history here. I guess I come from a fairly normal American family, my father left my mother, my sister and I when I was 3yo and my sister and 1-1/2yo. Mom remarried when I was 5 and this man was my daddy, I loved him then and I love him even more now. I knew my father, but he was never really "daddy." One of my favorite sayings is "Any man can be a father, it takes a special man to be a dad." That saying has come to mean more to me again recently as Kev and I are going through our recent struggles. Unfortunately my father died of lung cancer in 2000 when I was 20, possibly Mesothelioma, but we don't know and never will know since he was cremated. In 2001, just before my 22nd birthday the man I loved assisted in Red Cross operations in NYC after those horrible events and then went back to work as a travelling phlebotomist doing on site drug testing for OSHA. He was scheduled to come back from Washington state and the company offered to fly him home to me and he insisted on driving due to a fear of flying exemplified by the events of 9/11. He never made it home, he fell asleep driving and his truck hit head on with a tractor trailer, killing him instantly. His sister communicated to me that she found a receipt for an engagement ring along with ski trip reservations for the following month. At the age of 21 I lost my fiance-to-be and my grandmother died within days. Too much loss.